Stuck In a Rut

To say I have been stuck in a rut recently would be an understatement.

My fall semester is officially over but the last weeks of the semester were a very trying time for me mentally. I went from having no time to breathe one week to having absolutely nothing to do the last week of classes. Oddly enough, the week I had nothing to do was the harder week for me. Sure, I spent time prepping for my semester abroad and studying, and I did - honest, but that still left loads of free time. Thus my boredom drove me into a rut. And when I get stuck in a rut, it's normally a deep one.

As someone who as suffered from deep clinical depression, the thought of being in a rut scares me. I'm always terrified that I could easily fall back into my depression. I tend to over-think even the most minute aspects of my life so having endless amounts of free time that leads to crazy amounts of boredom, can be a bit dangerous especially when I'm alone. Having down time is normally nice, but too much of it lets my mind wander into scary territories that I would rather never revisit ever again. Some people may say it is the stereotypical "seasonal depression" that many people seem to suffer from, but that doesn't make it any less important since it can easily carry over for a longer period of time.

Even as I write this I'm still stuck a bit, partly due to confusion on the potential future direction of this blog; I will likely start doing more beauty related posts because I enjoy them. And primarily due to a massive writers block that has been driving me bonkers. Normally when I'm stuck, I write. I'm no Jane Austen by any means and most of the time this writing never sees the light of day, but it's therapeutic and helps clear my mind. Not being able to figure out things to write about is frustrating to no end.

In order to help get my out of my rut and out of my writers block, I thought I'd share of few of the things that have helped me out. Maybe if you are stuck you can try one of these things out as a small step in the right direction. One of the things I did/do to relax a bit is some extra pampering and me time. My handy dandy Origins Drink-Up mask and my recently purchased Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque seemed to do the trick. Nicely scented masks are always a go-to for me whenever I am stressed. I've found that taking care of yourself in even the smallest of ways, such as skincare, can really be beneficial in the long-run to you taking care of your mind. It may seem superficial to some, but for me it works since it is a baby step in feeling good about yourself and can make you happy if even for only a moment.

But probably the most helpful of all of the things I did came in the form of aromatherapy. I'd always wanted to try the this works deep sleep pillow spray; I've heard many great things about it and how helpful it can but was always put off from buying indue to the price. However, as I was online shopping on black friday on ASOS, I saw they had a little "dream team" bundle with mini versions of the spray and the deep sleep stress less rollerball, so I decided to give it a go. In short, they combine Lavender, Chamomile, and Vetivert for a soothing aroma. It is so relaxing and has helped me sleep and clear my mind of all of the stress caused from being stuck in such a rut.

There are also a multitude of other things you can do to clear your mind when you're stressed and get you out of a rut. These are simply two of the main things I tend to fall back on when I get stuck.

What do you do when you're in a similar situation?

Talk to y'all soon!

Xx

Fear of Failure

I have an intense fear of failure.

I've never coped well with failure. It is safe to say I used to react horribly and it greatly contributed to my struggles with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I won't lie, on occasion I still do react badly it is just  not as often. For me, most of my fears of failure have always stemmed from primarily one source: school.

In middle school and my first year of high school, I cried when I got Bs on exams/ projects. Literally. Eventually I "loosened up" and became okay with getting Bs, but they were acceptable to me only in my AP classes. My parents never had to put any pressure on me about schoolwork because I did it myself more than needed. If anything they would tell me to ease up a little. And during field hockey games, I would tear up if I ever let up a goal in a close game because I felt like I was failing my team. I remember when we lost in the state semi-final my sophomore year and in the state final my junior year I thought the losses were all my fault; I was the goalie after all, the last line of defense. Looking back now this all seems pretty silly, but back then it was perfectly normal to be. I stressed myself out so much over making sure I succeeded in school and so I graduated with over a 4.0 GPA that I had no social life because I burned myself out over schoolwork. And thus I was stressed over my lack of a social life and felt like a failure in that category as well; but that is different story for a different day.

I managed to make it through my first 3 semesters of college without really having to worry about getting anything lower than a B in a class. (Duh, most of my classes up until that point were mainly Gen Eds aka General Education courses - except Russian, I took Russian. That was hard.) Then came my spring semester of my sophomore year. Now, I have always been a person who is better at writing papers than taking exams. Much to my chagrin, I took a physiology course where my entire grade consisted of only 5 exams, your lowest of which was replaced by participation points(for most like me - a 100%). I would walk into my exams relatively confident that I would do decently and every. single. time. I would see my grade and nearly burst into tears. Only twice did I score higher than an F: the first and last exam, and they were barely Cs. I had to study like I have never studied before just to get that 73% on the final to ensure I would get the C I needed to pass that class and not have to retake it. This was the first C I ever received as a final grade. I know C means average and getting Cs is very common, just not for me.

But you know what? I'm damn proud of that C. I worked my tush off for it. I realized you can't be perfect at everything and in every class. After all, "Cs get degrees". Even though the old me would have been crippled in sadness over getting that C because to me it used to scream "you're a failure", I didn't necessarily feel like one. Because I knew/ know I'm not one. I felt like I understood that I couldn't always get the grades I wanted simply because not everyone can be good at every subject. Sometimes the material just will never fully click with you in certain subjects. And that is okay.

Picture credit

Then about a month ago I was faced with another difficult challenge: I realized I may have to drop a class. I bombed an exam. Like really bombed. There's no light way to put it. Despite studying for hours that day before the exam and feeling pretty darn confident walking out of it, I just bombed it. I guess I should mention that I only go to this class half of the time because one of the days it's my only class and it isn't until 4:15. I live off campus and honestly it is hard to work up the desire to go even though I like the material and my professor is awesome. When I got this particular exam grade I was in another class waiting for it to start, and I broke down crying. I also got my grade for a small paper for the same class back, and that grade was horrible. I just lost it.

Getting a C is one thing, but admitting I am doing so poorly in a class I may need to drop it in order to not have an F on my transcript? Me? The girl who graduated top 5% of her class? The girl who has always prided herself on being strong at academia? This can't be happening. It just can't, not to me anyway. I was like I was losing part of my identity. 

After many tears shed and a few heart felt conversations, I've reached the point where I am comfortable with the fact that I may have to drop and retake the class despite my best efforts. I've done all I can at this point and maybe I have already dug too deep a hole to climb out of, this semester. That's what drop credits are for anyway, right? No matter how comfortable I feel about what I may have to do at the end of the semester, facing failure is an overall horrible feeling. I've had to learn that I can't be a perfect student and that academics don't define me anymore but this doesn't mean I am a failure. Grades don't make the person and don't tell the full story about one's intelligence despite common beliefs. I think I'm still coming to terms with that.

Sometimes you have to fail because failure and your response to it makes you stronger and helps you grow as a person. It makes you learn quite a lot about yourself. It's an unavoidable fact of life.

But boy can it be a tough pill to swallow.

Talk to y'all soon!

Xx